A Timeline of Celebrity Crushes

Today I’m going to discuss the controversy behind the proposed federal mandate requiring all employer health insurance plans to cover contraceptives and the Catholic church’s response.

No I’m not. Just kidding! We’re talking about cute boys instead!

So many of you have written to me asking me who in Hollywood gets me going. No that’s not true either. No one would do that and no one has. Let me just say though, I cover really important stuff here at random anderson and I can’t possibly think of anything you would rather learn about than a brief history of who on the television has made me swoon in the last 20 years. Marvel at the variety. Tell me about yours. Let’s share our sacred “list” and be teenage girls together this wonderful Wednesday afternoon. Totally not kidding this time.

The Early Years 1987-1995

Michael Hutchence

I was just 4 years old when I saw the video for INXS’s “Need You Tonight” but I knew right then I liked boys. This boy. It took me a while before I realized how much I liked INXS’s music. I was just too distracted by his curls and bare chest underneath that leather jacket.

Jonathan Knight

Listen. I was in the New Kids on the Block generation, though I resisted it. At Camp Glen, the local Campfire Girls’ summer retreat, I received the “Mötley Crüe” award at the end of the week because while all the other girls were waxing dreamily about Jordan Knight and Joey McIntyre, in an effort to seem different and more mature I confessed my love for Dr. Feelgood. The teenage camp counselor got a big kick out of this. But in reality, I had to play along with the whole NKOTB craze so I could fit in, but I did it my own way. Rather than favoring Joey or Jordan like every other silly girl, I picked the distant, shy, sad and ambivalent one. Also known as the gay one.

Adolescence 1995- 2001

Thom Yorke

When I was in seventh grade, I got my first pair of Doc Martens. In the shoe box was a little sample CD with about 20 recently released songs, all alternative music. The first song was “Planet Telex” by Radiohead. From that point on the Belly albums that I had in a seamless rotation took a permanant backseat. I was the world’s biggest Radiohead fan and I never looked back. Being the world’s biggest Radiohead fan and being a girl means that you absolutely must take a romantic interest in a band member. Never one to go for the easy obvious choice, which surely would have been Jonny Greenwood or Ed O’Brien, I took an obsessive liking toward the unmistakably weird, 5’5″ lazy-eyed lead singer Thom Yorke. I threw him birthday parties. Vowed I’d be his wife. Dated a guy in high school, not because I liked him, but because he resembled Thom Yorke. Yeah. Why am I telling you this?

Robert Downey Jr.

In high school, my father and I bonded over watching the weirdness that was Ally McBeal together. We loved it. Got every single strange joke. Felt at home in the nerdy awkward characters and dialogue. Then rolled in Larry, the character played by Robert Downey Jr., and the one hour show quickly morphed into time with my future boyfriend instead of time with my dad. This was really my first and formal introduction to Robert Downey Jr. During my adolescence he was in prison (what a prize!). And if you ladies out there aren’t familiar with his character on the show let me sum it up for you: adorable, witty, sings, plays piano, adorable. Too bad RDJ couldn’t keep it together off screen and got himself fired from the show. My sizzle for him fizzled quickly after that.

College Years 2001 – 2004

Jeff Buckley

How could a girl hear “Last Goodbye” and not need this man? I didn’t first hear the song until a few months after his tragic and mysterious death. So, essentially I developed feelings for a dead man. That was confusing.

Chris Noth (Actually, just Mr. Big)

I was never an Aidan girl nor was I a Berger girl. It has been Mr. Big since the first episode of Sex and the City I ever saw with him. I had a real life moment with Mr. Big about 10 years ago.  My friend Dustin and I were on a little vacation in New Orleans. We got all dressed up and had a spectacular French dinner at the famous Antoine’s. For reasons that escape my memory, I found myself alone on a quiet corner in the French Quarter. It was a very memorable moment. I was in a nice dress, standing outside Walgreens finishing a cigarette (probably so I could go in and buy more cigarettes. I was so stupid – sorry Mom & Dad). I look inside and see a handsome man buying Red Bull at the counter. The handsome man exits Walgreens. The handsome man is Chris Noth. We have a moment. We’re alone on this street corner. It’s quiet. I’m staring at him. He notices and says “Hi”. I ruin any chance of love and marriage by saying “You’re Mr. Big.” He smirks, nods and says some sort of lame reply like “Yes, I am quite tall.” He crosses the street and walks off into the New Orleans night and out of my life. True story.

Now and Forever 

Ryan Gosling

Don’t be surprised by my conventional choice. This is the man of the century ladies. Men, boys, if you’re smart you’ll strive to be just like him. I don’t need to explain. Just watch him talk about his mother and flirt with Ellen Degeneres.